Aghhh, Cramming!!!

--Biology SAT II
--Orchestra Audition
--Tons of tests and finals!

BUT!!!! RAIN'S CONCERT!! W00T! June 23, 2007 8 PM -- Madison Square Garden!! Awesome... XD Can't wait!
Hm, so distracted... I really miss photoshopping =[ Hm.. will do that after tests are over...

Summer Plans... fun/enjoyable plans of course...

1] Rain's Concert : June 23
2] Malaysia : July 12 --> August 2
3] Exercise
4] Pracice violin MORE << Keyword: MORE
5] Shop... Malaysia, A&F, Hollister S2
6] Learn some more Mandarin/Korean
7] Learn to sing a song...
8] Photoshop!!
9] Watch/Finish Dramas[s] : Hana Kimi, Iswak 2, etc.
10] TAKE TONS OF PICS! =]

there are more... just don't know what they are yet X]

Why do I feel like nothing I do is good enough? Nothing I am is good enough.

Competition is everywhere, it is.

&& I'm losing every single race.

Wishing someone could pick me back up and help me stand up again because its hard to see everything in a positive way. Losing faith in myself.

Bleh, so many things on my mind... Can't deal with it all....

LMAO. Yea, I'm crazy =X Desperately want to go shopping... && the fact that you can purchase things inline isn't helping. Currently looking around for flats... found out that Payless and American Eagle have this weird colab. sorta thing.. Not even sure if its THAT AE... the logo is different and the shoes and stuff are extremely cheap... But i could care less if  it was a bootleg AE since they're really nice from the internet....

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Also some really really nice shoes from Aldo... but obviously pricey-er...

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Gah... the money im gonna earn from working is prolly gonna end up being spent on shoes... lol, dunno whether its a good/ bad thing...

Oh, also like this bag: >>here<< I think its quite cute... but a bit ... iono, old? i just like the designs and the colors =]

"10th grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried."

-- Taken from a thread on AF; a little over the top but sad nonetheless....

No, I haven't been healthy much... Trying to change that now. Well, been trying to change that for maybe a few months... Eat better, exercise, that kinda stuff. Haha, this morning I actually went out to the park to play tennis with my dad. Ok, I suck at tennis. But at least I went out and I actually TRIED... I think that counts for something.
Weird, I actually update this LJ more than my graphics one... Too lazy to update that one, haven't been doing THAT many graphics lately anyway~ kk, Off to dinner~

Woah, this whole week's been pretty good. && Tomorrow is Friday! && also a half day. I actually have plans for once. Which is extremely rare. Tired of being stuck at home on the computer and doing homework. That's boringggg. Movies tomorrow? Maybe, most likely. But Mom is bugging about going outside. She's like totally against the idea. I don't get why. She's always getting mad when I ask to go outside if its without her or like home friends. I'm always expected to be trapped at home and it's supposed to be normal for me to talk/play with 5th graders?! WTF?! Sometimes I really don't like being with family friends. It's really weird... I don't get why she can think I'm so bad. I really think I deserve more trust. Do I seem like a bad person? It's not even that I seem like a bad person; I'm not. I think I need to get to know more people. I don't really care if I become good friends with them or whatever, but I should at least know most of the CLASS OF 2010!

On another note, Zipia.net is STILL <3 Sadly, the minimum spending is STILL 500 USD >.< So stupid. I desperately want:

flats, ballet flats, etc.
leggings [ grey, black or white ]
some new skirts [ i own like 0, its pathetic, i really like cloth skirts that are wavy and stuff =] ]
skinny jeans or any jeans at all actually << This is actually sorta a need. All my jeans are dead and hecka OLD!

Yea, those are the main things. I wouldn't mind getting new tanktops either. I have an enormous amount of T's so I don't need anymore of those. Yep... Back to Global Homework >.< SPRING BREAK IN A WEEK [ and a day ]!

Today is officially the first full day of spring 2007!! YAYAYAY! But it doesn't feel much like spring... There's still snow on the ground. Ew, I hate winter. Can't wait till it gets warmer and I don't have to wear my bulky North Face.

My thoughts are like garbage... it's full of music, dance, shopping/fobby clothes, dramas, and guys. My life is being crappy right about now. Ahh... Can't wait till Spring Break! But then I'll have to stay home for most of the break... Nothing to do... >.< I'm obsessed with shopping >.< *sigh* I'm currently not allowed to go shopping since I spent over $500 the last 2 weeks because of shopping and my new glasses. Now I always find myself looking for fobby asian clothes on the web. ZIPIA.net is <33333333333333333333333333333333 Awesomely beautiful clothes +++++ Mad cheap since its wholesale. Only bad thing... you hafta spend $500+ when ordering. WTF!? I should really get a bunch of friends together so we can order. I like about every single outfit there is on that site... *sigh*

So screwed... Huge Bio test tomorrow! && almost no idea whats going on... I should really study... Off to finish homework...

I don't like to plan out my life. That's why i don't. But i was daydreaming and paying very little attention today in last period today and I have a lot of things I want to do before I can't anymore. I don't know when they'll happen and I don't really care either. I just hope that they will happen sooner or later. I have a bunch but I may have left out some. Most of them have to do with love. LOL. I daydream wayyy too much. But can you blame me?

**Not in any specific order.

1. To find that special someone who'll like me back as much as I like them.
2. To have a silver ring. Just a plain band, no diamonds or stones or decorations. I don't care if I buy it myself or someone gives it to me. I'd just like to have one.
3. To travel to at least 6 foreign countries, at least 3 must be in Asia.
4. To have a special someone sing a song especially for me/write a songs for me or have them sing a duet with me even if I can't sing.
5. To walk around a city at night and find myself at a fountain. Doesn't matter who it's with.
6. To attend at least 5 concerts held by celebrities that I am a fan of.
7. To go on a shopping spree with my best friends and spend at least $500.
8. To have a family reunion.
9. To have a heirloom to pass down to some younger generation when I'm not alive anymore.
10. To have a special song with someone.
11. To someday learn Chinese, Korean, and maybe Japanese. More specifically hold a conversation in these languages with a stranger.
12. To fall and land in the arms of someone special or some very hot guy =DDD
13. To meet up with a friend that I had lost contact with and sit down in a Starbucks or something to talk.
14. To fall asleep in the arms or on the shoulder of a special someone.
15. To meet a celebrity that I really like on the street.

The points in red are the ones that I hope are the ones I accomplish the most.

=]

Well, I never really understood Christianity very well . . . Mostly since I'm not Christian . . . But today in Global, the teacher was taking about how they believed in Heaven and stuff and how it was considered to be the rest of your . . . i dont wanna say life, since you're dead . . . well, its just the rest of you. After life on earth, you go to heaven and thats forever. Eternity. And I had always imagined Heaven to be like in the poofy clouds and you're happy all the time. But how can we be happy? If there is a Heaven, what do we do that makes us happy? What if the people we love and care about are still alive? We wait for them? What happens when we're waiting? Are we ever sad in Heaven? && I was thinking and daydreaming about all this corny stuff in Global XD and I want to say that when we're happy on earth, its a taste of Heaven. When we're sad, angry, mad, etc., its the real world and its just temporary. Its so weird to think that we all have to move on someday . . . Is there really a Heaven? I want to think so. But won't it just be the same as regular life? How can you have happiness without sadness? The good without the bad? I don't understand. Its like . . . what would be Heaven [[some not so serious examples I thought of]]:

-- Eating anything you want and not gaining any weight
-- Always having enough money for anything
-- Always looking your best
-- Always having enough time

Those are just a few. && about the last one. Is there time in Heaven? Since its eternity, is it necessary to measure time at all? When you die, do you sleep forever? How does that make sense? Where does your personality and spiritual form go? Yes, I believe we have a spiritual side =]. Confusing . . .

Took some quizzes. Here are the results!!

What's your personality like?

Romantic/Dreamer
Well,don't you have quite an imagination? You're an idealist and posibly romantic,you also don't like when people set limits for you. Many people like you changed the course of history, but unfortunatedy you sometimes lack in the action department.
If someone looked closely in your eyes they would see a rejection of the nowadays harsh world (that you might or might not noticed by now).
Any level-headed person would advice you to come back to earth and stop missing important moments of life,but I'm advicing you to never give up your imagination,only use it to better the boring or rough parts of life!

Which romantic ending are you?!

Your sitting on your roof top in jeans, staring at the fullmoon when out of nowhere. The guy you have been crushing on climbs up beside you. He smiles at you and puts his arm around you. You start to say something when he pulls you close and kisses you passionatly. He slowly ends the kiss and takes your hand and pulls it as you and him step off the roof. He whispers something about loving you and gives you a smooch that people would die for. He holds you in his arms as he tells you how much he has waited and longed to kiss you. You end up marrying him 2 years later and having one girl.

Whats inside your soul?

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.

You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities.

You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think; just analyze them to see what they think.

Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing. Because you are a focused person that does things when they are need to be done.

For you, falling in love is all about flirting and feeling playful. You couldn't fall in love with someone who took life too seriously. You believe in joyful moments an perhaps a bit wild.

What Language Should You Speak?

You should speak Japanese!
Productivity is great, but so is creativity. And you've got both! Tradtion is very important, but you're always redefining the rules as well.

What's Your Inner Geisha's Personality Like?

You are a Dreamer Geisha! You enjoy your life as a Geisha, but you can't help but feel incomplete and longing. You see normal women on the streets of your city, laughing as they cling to the arms of their husbands and the hands of their little children, and somber envy invades your heart. You appreciate your position in society, and are grateful to be a glamorous Geisha, but you still bear an empty hole in your soul. You often wish that you could experience the pleasures of being a beloved wife and mother for just one day, but you also do not want to leave the life of a Geisha. So, until tomorrow comes, you shall endulge yourself in your dreams.

Your dragon self

You Are A White Dragon, you are a little slow and work on instinct. You live in really cold places, isolated. You like solitude, but you hunt with other dragons. You would rather eat polar bears, seals, and fish, that you would have previously frozen with your ice breath. You can't talk to humans though.Like every dragon, you keep a treasure hidden, in ice cave, inside icebergs only accessible by the under water part.
stone: diamond
you control: ice

Which iPod are you?

You are the iPod Nano. You are slim, cool, and probably popular. People like you.

I really don't know what I'm updating this for. Heh, nobody reads this. Which can be a good thing . . . This update is gonna be kinda random and it doesnt make much sense since its a bunch of things that have been popping up into my head for the past week.

You just can't control who you like can you?? I used to have these elaborate and huge lists of what I look for in guys . . . && everytime I like someone, he basically fails maybe more than 1/2 the things on the list. So I've pretty much given up on formulating those things. W/e happens, happens. It's beyond me.

Happy -- That's what I want to be for the rest of my life. It sums up everything. Why do I go shopping? Because it makes me happy. Why does it make me happy? Because I can look nice. Why do I want to look nice? Because maybe people will like me more.

Why do I want good grades in school? Because it will make my parents happy. Why do I want them to be happpy? Then the will be in an overall happy mood and they can be proud of me, their only daughter. I want to prove to the people who have doubted me that I am capable of doing what I think I can do. I don't want to be placed as 2nd best. I've had enough of being "not as good." I'm tired of being the one who is asked if the dinner is good 2nd. I'm tired of nobody letting me know that they care, if anyone does in fact care. NO, I am not emo. Do not think that for a second. I'm not depressed or anything. Just tired a bit.

I feel as if I don't smile or laugh as much as I used to or as much as I should. I wish I could be happier and live life better than it already is. As my American Eagle bag says, "LIVE YOUR LIFE." Yes, live my life. Live a HAPPY life. Its not a happy life...then whats the point? My life's dream is to be : HAPPY. The job and money i make and where I live and stuff all falls under that. Do you get my point??

V-Day is coming up. I usually hate Valentines Day...I'm too chicken to admit to anyone that I like them and nobody probably likes me back. So w/e. Maybe it'll change. Who knows. its not up to me. Belive in FATE.

I had this really really weird dream the other day. I totally forgot I had that dream until the next day just as I was about to sleep. I closed my eyes and a bunch of images just flashed and I remembered most of it. No kidding.

I was in the dream, as usual. But this time, I was older. Like early 20's? Strange . . . My age usually changes in my dreams. Anyway, there was some guy in my dream. No idea who he is. I don't think he exists in real life . . . I don't remember exactly how he looks. But he wasn't ugly but he wasn't totally hott or cute or w/e. I just remember he was asian . . . && for some reason I was eating with him, my good friend and her boyfriend?? [she doesn't even have a boyfriend?!] We were eating in some Japanese restaurant I think in a mall . . . && it gets weirder. I think the guy in my dream was my boyfriend [?!] because I get all sad and everything [yea, I can feel emotions in my dream . . . ] & leave him [i think i said something to him]. Then I run out of the mall and leave him there. The dream continues the next day in this weird world. I see the guy's back and I surprise him and try to scare him [this is more like the real me, hehe, I like to come up behind people and say "BOO!" LMAO].  && then its weird cause I had totally forgot what had happened yesterday . . . 

I forgot the rest of the dream. I think it was pretty long though. Some of the parts I described I think happened but I'm not completely sure. I forget my dreams really fast and I sometimes forget they even happened. Weird . . . Right now I'm wondering why there was a guy in my dream . . . someone that I didn't even know. WTF does that mean?! I can't recognize him and I don't remember the other people in my dream either [except my friend]. My dreams are really realistic so I can actually get sad, angry, scared and happy while I'm asleep . . . lol. Hope I can remember more of this soon . . .

MIDTERMS in less than two weeks!?!? Ugh . . .

Bio homework is currently getting on my nerves . . . So I'm taking a short break =] Muhaha!

I desperately wanna finish episode 6 of Goong because I'm so slow with watching dramas. && Goong S is coming out in just 2 days! Probably have to wait a few weeks for someone to sub it though . . . Hopefully some really devoted fans decide to hard-sub it and host it on something OTHER THAN MEGAUPOAD!!

OK . . . back to bio . . .